Princess Dhara

i miss u

2005-01-20T19:02:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Hello diary...it's been such a long time since the last time i wrote you my feelings here...kindda miss you.. :)

Im in indo right not..enjoying my holiday...as im goin to beijing on 20 Feb..exzactly 1 month from today..the school had accept me for their course..and they had issued me my studets visa too..its only waiting for me to buy the air ticket n fly there...

diary...its valentine soon...and i miss my boy..i hope i can spent my valentines with him.. :(

But, he promise me to accompany me on my birthday as he will be fly to beijing to see me..but that of course if his parents allowed him to...pray for me they do alright..i miss you diary..n i love n miss you too my baby shin in singapore...muckh..

my broken wings

2004-12-08T18:08:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Diary..How are you...? im in indonesia right now..diary..i am very sad n lost now..my baby..lied to me again..it's been few weeks we didn't quarell..because both of us know..we left too little time together to be quarelling..but today..i called him and ask him for a break up..again.. :(

I didn't want this to happend too..as you know..i love him very mush..why willi break up with him if he did.t hurt me too much...? whoever who read my story line with me..they will know..i love him very mush..and hurt me very much too..

from today afternoon..we been msgin..until around 3 pm..he said he can't msg anymore bcoz he's goin to his dad place to help him..i know something didn't seems right..so i called his house..his mother pick up da call..i ash her is he goint o his dad place to give him a hand..? his mom sadi no..and she also told me that shin go out at 1am last night and came back at 4am..

After i hang up da call..i gave him a called..i ask him..at first..he said no..where got..but i insisting taht ia m right..and finally he confess..he really go out at 1 am with yan..i was so angry..n ask him tehn where is he goin now..i accuse him not goin to his dad place at that time..and he answer me a "yes, i am not"...diary..my heart break..my tears fell down..i can't control my brain, heart n tears at the same time..i was so torn up..

I hang up da phone soon after that..i had a big cry inside the let..i thinkn think..i flush our relationship band inside the toilet bowl..when i saw it missing..tehre is somthing inside my heart who cryin and want me to look for it again..but i hold back that feelin..i throw the diamond ring that he gave me into my toilet rack light..until now..it's still there..

I called him again..i ask him for a break up..but he said he don't want to..and i said i don't care..and i hang up teh call..he lied to me he's goin to his dad place..but he went to work..i don't know why he lied to me about this..i am don't like him to work..but..when i was in china..he said he went to work..i also said nothing but ok..and now..if he told me the truth..i will allowed him..:( but he choose to lied..maybe it's my fault..am i...?

I am lost diary..i don't know what should i do..he always said sorry when he lied..and always said trust me every time me talk..but..how can i trust him if he lie to me again and again..i gave him too many chances..but he always make me dissapointed.. :(

Diary..i hope my day will gets better..i hope i can found my real prince..or i can be strong and always stand with my own feet without relayin on others..because..if i continue to be this way..i think..i can't hold on too long..because i am really tired..

I use my everything to bet for this game of my life..i don't know what will happend in my future..but i still choose to bet with it..actually..in the begining..i thought this bet of mine will hold 85% to win..but now..i guess i was wrong..i won't be so lucky.. :(
But, now it's too late to take it back..what i can do it's just go on and see..

So diary..i really didn't wanting too much..i didn't even dare to want that i win at the end..all i want it's just could someone..please just let me be a little happier.. :( because..i am a broken angel that can't fly anymore.. :(

Good night my little diary..:(

i love my baby only

2004-12-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Hello diary..how are you...? I just reach singapore last night..and today i went out with my baby and my mom in the afternoon..

The university in Beijing was fine..but the weather i don't really enjoy it..very dry n cold..actually..i don't really know should i go or not..it's not because i need to leave my parents here n i don't bear..it's because i know i might not survive without my baby.. :( only my baby that can makes me feels this way...

I LOVE YOU baby...sarangheyo...always.. :)

good night

to my baby n diary..

2004-11-24T19:54:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Diary..today will be the last day i am wearing my school uniform..hmmm...i don't know willi miss it or not...haiz...5 yrs just past away...no more high school...that means..im gonna leave my baby for 7 days..n our time to be together won't have much already..i miss him...:(

Haizz...tomorrow..i will be goin to beijing with my family to see my school for next year..and together with holiday..its been such a long time our family never gone for a holiday together..although it's a good things..but..i can't bear to leave this place in someway..not bacause of the country of course..because of someone..i left 1/2 of my heart here..and i didn't bear..:( but i have no choice..

Diary..from tomorrow onwards..it's a new day..a new life for me..new road...diary..please bless me in every way..and..if my baby get to read my diary..i want you to know what..i love you..you must be sleepin right now..you were not feeling well this evening..hope you getting better..take care of your self..don't make me worry ok..? and..last but not least..always know that i love you in every way...:) miss you very much now..:(

MMm...good night and take care diary...you too baby.. :)

i love my baby more than anything else

2004-11-22T22:52:00.000+08:00

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Dear Diary,

Hello diary..today is the last day of my high school...hahahaha..this is what i waiting for since 5 yrs ago..it's like..FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...hahahaha..we can throw away all the text books and just concentrate on our hobbies..isn't that great...?

But..it means..the lesser time i get to be with my baby..i miss him so much..really really miss him..now i really agree..when he's leaveing..then you will know how much they mean for us..like now..i know our time to be togrther is not much anymore..i love him more n more..this is not things i want to turn out to be..but it's just the truth..i can run from it..

I love him more by days go by... i don't know how will i adapt in indos and beijing without him by my side..i am used to the feelings of him be by myside..his smell..his company..his voice..everything..and when i need to leave all his by sudden..i know i wont make it..because even now..i feel like dyin..i miss him so badly..wish he's here with me..

Diary..please..please..let me be more stronger when i am alone in the next few days ok..because..my baby won't be by myside..:(

Baby..i love you..and please remember our promise okie..? love you..always...

Haiz..good night diary..

i love him too much to describe

2004-11-21T01:24:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Hello diary...haiz today..i guess..just an ordinary day... actually my day has been ok until 12:25pm... my mom..i don't know why suddenly she nag here and there..i don't know why..maybe is me and my sister fault..but..haiz never mind...

Anyway...all i know is..i miss my baby badly..i love him so much..now..i really feel like hugin him and just be inside his arms.. it feels warm and so good..i miss him diary..very very miss him..when i think about when i need to leave him here..i just can't stop my tears... how can i leave my baby alone here..? i wish he can go with me to beijing..but i know it does not possible..and eventhough it possible..it only few mths...haiz...what i know now is..i need him..i miss him so badly...

Baby..if you get to read this msg..i just want you to know that i love you so much..and i need you to be by my side all the time...and last but not least..don't ever forget me ya..and remember that once in your life time..there is a girl who loves you more than anything else..i love you baby..

Thanz for listening ya diary...tomorrow will be a better day right..? :) good night diary... :)

ilovehim

2004-11-19T23:04:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

hello diary...it's been such a long time that i never write ya...it is because i can't online..my com on service..i go to refomat all the things...hehehehe...do you realize today i used other colour to write...? hehehehehhe...

Anyway...these days..it's been up and down for me..there is a day when i quarell with baby...quarell so badly until i cant help it and gone mad..haiz...but..today..i go just fine..and he promise me ot to go out until i go to beijing thid 25...its good la ya,..so i wont so stress...

haiz..anyway diary..i found that i love him much more than before..i love love love him sooo much...:) really i do..somethimes when he made me so mad..i thought of leting him go.. but i found that i can't let go..i don't know why...

What i hope now is that..he's not only playin with my heart..because i really love him so much.. anyway diary...really happy i can talk to you again.. :) when i get so mad..and my com on service..i always think of you..how good it will be when i can write diary at tjose times... :) anyway...welcome back..and good night ya diary.. :)

exams n loves

2004-11-08T18:32:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Today is my maths paper 2 exam..i don't think i can score very well..i hope i can pass.. :( because there is few questions that i don;t know how to do..

Diary, just now..han n i quarell again because of some tatoo things...haiz...very very sad...i just don't like him with tatoo..not because i can't accept him for who he is..but..tatoo is unnecessary..and... it might be difficult for him to look for work if he has a tatoo right..? ahhh...whatever lah..anyway i told him im not going to talk about that anymore..its not my problems..and why should i bother..

Hmmm..exam going to be over very soon..it means..time to left singapore is comeing soon...i am glad in someway..but..there is somethings here that i can't leave..but i know i should..because first, i choose my studies first..second, we doesn't seems to get along too well this few months..it's been hard for both of us i guess..maybe a good bye will be better..as we learn how to apreciate each other more..because we don't know how important they are until they leave us one day..

Anyway..tomorrow is my chemistry paper..i doesn't put lots of hope..because i knew i will failed..its hard when everyone doesn't believe that i can't make it..even my soul mates doesn't too..i need to hold on to my self here..

Haizz..i guess..i should go back to my chem now..love you diary..and i miss my girls.. :( good night diary..

he lied again and again

2004-11-05T01:39:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

Hello diary...today is my maths paper.1... haiz...i can;t do the last few questions...oh my god...others said it was easy....but for me...its hard....haizz..i guess i should just prepare to failed...

Hmmm...today...actually it start happily..shin and i didn't quarell..until night..i saw his call list there is 'jez'.. so i ask him who is the hell jez is? then at first he said that maybe someone taht he dont know..CRAP!! then i aid..this no is no that you called out..and i guess i jessely..nvm...and i was so angry...he lie again..AGAIN...

Last night...you know what..he made up a stody...he tellin me that he's at home...but i called his house no one pick up..and i called his hp he didn't heard the call meh..he said got me...?no one pich up meh...? he think i dump..and i just simply told him that i know he;s lyin...better confess and i will forgive him...and i am RIGHT!! he is outside...LIARS!!!!....and i tried to forgive him because i don't this stuffs to distrub my concentration.. and i ask him to promise me not to lie anymore...mmmm...now then i realize he did not promise me last night...no wonder he lied again....he lied...he lied...he lied...i hate him....

I gave him so many change...and he still the same...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..and that jez is like flirting with different guys every week!!!! BITCH!!!!!

Arrghhhh...i am very2 angry diary...anyway...it's pretty late..i am tired..but can't sleep...ummm...then..i guess i just continue chattin with my son...good night diary..

FUCK TODAY

2004-11-02T21:33:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Today is our ss paper..hmmm.. i think its fine...maybe will pass..but..how much willi get...hahahaha...i dont know... tomorrow is the longest paper ever..LOL...3 papers in a day...and aall the papers is subjects that i ahte the most... so strezz...

So strezz yet someone who i hope can be here with me in this kind of situation...were not here...he happily stuiding together at TUTION CENTRE with all his friends..hahahha...enjoying huh...? and i stood here like a stupid who drown inside a depressin and strezz.. which he won't know...

I am very angry when i am look at the msg when i woke up on the evening...study with his friends? BULLSHIT!!! ahhh...whatever...i just don't understand them...and him..i get so pissed yet he sitll nevet hold his promise...talk shit around...FUCK him... he don't know how much this shit will effect my exam tomorrow...which i am sure im gonna failed...freak..!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Anyway diary...as usuall...my life..is like this..sucks...haizz...sorry diary..i didnt mean to be rude on today diary...but...i am very dissapointed and angry...haiz...pray for me tomorrow will be a better day...and i can concentrate on my exam...ok diary... ?

Good night...

Lovely days

2004-11-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary...

.

Hmmm..diary..this few days...princess dhara was happy... :) Although i didn't write..it doesn't mean my life bad these days.. :) i just...just too busy enjoying my happiness...hahahahha...you must be wondering what in the world that makes me sooooo happy right...?.. :) Actually...it just a simple things and stuffs in life..hahahaha..I didn't quarell with baby these days..we are fine..we studied together..had lunch and breakfast together..because..these few days..i'll always met him in the morning..and we rivise together till afternoon.. although this doesn't help a lots on my studies..but..at least it does in someway..and..i enjoying it alot.. study..and enjoy..this is life..hahahaha...

Anyway..tomorrow is chinese paper...i didn't retake my malay..but..i still feel very nevous about the coming social studies exam..im not sure that i can score well on this exam..but..i will try my very best..of ocurse..so..i think i won't have regret in the end..hahahahha...Oh diary...pray for me..pray for us..that we can just stasified with the result..i didn't expect much..really...

Hmmm...anyway..few days ago..my life like a heavy rain..and after that..rain gettin smaller...and smaller..now..i can see the rainbow...i know in a few days..i will see the hot sun..and rain will start agin...haiz... thats life..isn't it...? hope i can go through all this.. :) good night diary.. :) and..i want you to know..this little princess here..loves her baby prince so much.. :) so..if that prince get to read this..i just want you to know that... i love you.. :P

Just like an ordinary day

2004-10-28T22:58:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Hello diary..i had a big cry last night..and i can't sleep..i still awake at 4 am..so..i read the notebook for a few minutes until fell asleep...

When i woke up this morning..everything was like a dream...but..i felt so much better than last night..

Today..shin supposed to take his exam..but he postponed to 13 & 16 November because he was late and he couldn't found his passport..

Afternoon, i met him at np..actually we want to study..but just a few minutes...we went to play game..hahahaha...as usual..i guess.. :)

Anyway..my angel here tonight diary.. :) hope everything will be fine ok.. :) good night my diary..

i need someone to hold me :(

2004-10-28T01:01:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Hi Diary...im sad..im hurt...again..and again...why...? can you tell me why...? He heal me on the day before...hurt me on the next...when my love life sucks..my family life is ok..when my love life is perfect..my family life was like shit..why can't my life be a little perfect...ok..im not asking for perfect...just let them balence.. or..I wanting too much...? i don't know...

Today..i went to school with shin..to take some worksheets..sfter that..we went for eat and he sent me back home...but..when we were waiting for bus at interchange..he told me he maybe will go to school tonight..and.. I just acted very differently after that..I know it's very unreasonabale..but..i just don't like him to go anywhere..why just can't he stay at home and study alone...? isn't that better...? maybe i might be wrong at this point...yeah..should be..

So, he went back after he sent me back home..we msging for a while..and when he was going to reach his house..he said he will call me when he reach home..but he doesn't..he just leave a msg and said "i reach home le"...what a jerk...?!!!... and..not long after that..he msg me said that he goin to sleep and call me at night...but..not..its 12..and i havenot receive any call from him...

He knows i don't want him to go to school..at first he told me that he's not going anymore...but..areoung 7+ i receive a msg from him telling me that he goin to school..because msd.su is there..and.,.i was so angry...he said he's not going a min ago..and going on the next minute...i just don't understand him..and i'll msg him..and we had some quarell...and i told him i just cant be a understanding person...and..he never reply after that..

After a while..i try to do some maths question..and there is some question that i never seen before..and i msg mdm.su and ask her wather she still in school and ask about the maths..and she told me she goin to meet sung han at md...si he refering to mc.d? maybe...i don't know...

And untill noe..i havent receive any call or even msg from him...i wonder where is he...what ishe doing...you must be wondering why not i gave him a call right...? i just don't want...taht's not me..i don't know...Diary...i want to break up with him...maybe..my life will be happier...? but..i scared...i scared i might gone crazy..but...i feel very terrible likethis...what should i do diary..? i just wish i can leave this place as soon as possible...

I wish i can stop crying right now...be stong..i always told my self to be strong..but i just can't... :( i mean...i break down so easily...diary..can you please let someone..someone that really fit into my life..that really like me..i mean..we understand each other from out and in...i need someone like that..i need to share my inside..if not..this machine of mine..will break down and it can't be fixed no more... :( the inside me..has too much pain to handle and hold them alone...they are too heavy for me..i need someone to help me..but i just couldn't found any... :(

Diary...i feel very misserable each day...please..please..makes my life happier..better..ok..? :( goodnight diary... :(

1 year and 1 month ani

2004-10-26T19:43:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Today is our 1 year + 1 month aniversary...hmmm..shouldn't I to be happy and celebrate...? I guess so...but too bad...we spend the whole day sittin at mc.d to do some stupid revisions..which make me pissed off... Oh yes..one more thing..this morning..when I said "Happy aniversary" guess what he said... he said.."what date today?"...I was like 'oh Goddd...'..hahahahhaha...never mind...it doesn't really bother me anyway...

Hm...i though tomorrow my dad will be goin back...but he posponed to thursday...should I be happy...? anyway...who cares...LOL.... I brought new novel today...'The Notebook'....i can't get to watch the movie..so I decided to buy da book.. :P can't wait to finish the book..hahahahhaa...

Anyway...tonight...my angel here again... :) I am very happy...because one day..my angel might not be with me anymore...they are angel..so..one day..they will vanish from this world..so I need to spend our quality time together.. :) But...when I wanted to sleep...I don't know whats wrong with me...I ignore my angel..I ask my angel not to talk to me and leave me alone.. now im wondering what the hell am i doing..can you tell me diary...? haiz...

Anyway...good night diary... :)

school vs holiday

2004-10-25T12:49:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

Last night my angel was here..he accompany me all night long..this morning about 10+ i went to sch with baby..actually we lookin for ms.kavitha to take out testimonial..buttttttttttttt...after we reach there...she told us thatshe haven't print out the things yet..ondeeee...but at least we went to look for mdm.prema..and ask her to write a recomendation letter for me..then she said ok...and i will take from her on wednesday...

Mmmmm..after that..we went to orc..to buy some undies..hehehehehe..i brought 4..and they are sooooooooooo cute... :P..hahahahahhaha...

Oh yes...you know what diary...i lose $10 from shin because we bet on da arsenal and MU..and Mu won..:( shito isn't it...? haizzz...nvm...:)

mmm...when i checked my mail just now...i receive e mail from worldlink..and rebecca told me that hewr director at beijing will become my guardian..i was so happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...but my dad said see first bla bla bla...and 1 more thing that make me pissed is that..youknow this 25 nov we are going to beijing right..and our main purpuse is to settle my sch stuffs right...? then my dad sign up for the 10 days tour...and we have our free day last 3 days..and i told him that we cant afford to have da free day on the last 3 days..but must on the first 3 days...but he seems like he wanting to go for the tour first...haiz...i just can't understand him...nevermind...he is the one who paid..what can i said...?

anyway...tonight my angel come and accompany me again.. :) mmm..good night diary... :)

What a borring day

2004-10-25T01:17:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

Mmmm..today...nothing much happend in my life..thia mornin i'll meetin my dad to eat breakfast..with my dad and co..after tham..i went back...

OOhhhh..today it's a very very borring day compare to yesterday...although last night like hell..but at least..i had fun on the evening..that day was nadia'd birthday party...so..she treat us at fish&co.. there is 20 of us.. :) and..we eat..talk..laugh..talk bout next year stuffs and gossp...hehehehe... :)
Todayyy...oh my goddddddd..i stayed at home for the whole day..actually i wanna study..but..i had no moods as my back was damn painfull..

Again han and i had a little fight over the phone because of some soccer and stuffs if im not wrong..but..we settle it after that.. :) My angel came over tonight...he is supposed to take care of me..but..he was sleepin right now..i guess... :)..anyway... i am glad my angel are here...

Ok then diary...have a good night.. muackh..muackh...

My life

2004-10-24T02:27:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

.

Today is the first day i writeing on this blog.. This 3 days a lots a lots of things have happened. I cry a lots... cry like crazy... my eyes look like fish ball... my heart...I don't know how they look like anymore... because I don't even dare to look at them now...

Two days ago my dad scolded me infront of my sister and guardians... I am very very dissapointed.. because I did not done anything wrong..he blame me on the school that i had applied for next year at Beijing. It's a long..long story diary.. I don't know how to put it in words...and Im too tired to explain.. But..i was very upset that night..i couldn't sleep well...

That night is the longest night in my life... i remembered things that had happened to me few years ago and today... how my ex-boyfriends had threat me so unfair... That night I blame myself..why am I so stupid and why they are co cruel..that they do that on me..?..

Diary...I had alots alots of problems,secret..that i don't know who i can talk to..who ican share with..not even my current boyfriend know about this..no one knows except me and them i guess... I am very very sad..very very very sad..i don't know how to put them in words..but..everytime i think about this..my tears will just fall out..and my hate towards them will increased.. I know..in order to be happy..i need to forgive them..i need to forget about the past..move on..and don't look back..I tried very very hard to that, but..sometimes..i just can't...

I might not be the only one who go through this..i might not be the worst..but for now..i think i have some kind of depressed problems..I cut my self..i take panadols..i do whatever i can to make me faal as sleep evey nights..because it is very difficult for me to fall as sleep..really.. I can't concentrate on my studies..surroundings gave me alots alots of presure..

Sometimes i think of diying...i know i am the type of person who will run from the reality sometimes...and i know its wrong..but i just can't help it.. there is times i felt like diyin..i know i can leave everything that i have today..but..it's just one thing i can't leave in this world..which is my boyfriend..my current boyfriend...i had been hurt in the past..but i never give up on finding my true soul mate..but..the past..still amkes some impact on my life in anyway... :(

Sometimes i felt very lucky to have this guy in my lifetime.. expecially this year..this year might be my last year in Singapore..alots of things happend..there is times that cuts and wanted to die..but..when i think of him..i hold back..i still want to look at him every day..so..i hold back..but..next year we will be apart..i dont know what will happend to me..to my life..although these few days we've been quarelling like every day.. i still want to thans GoD to send me someone like him to my life..if not..today..i might me gone crazy or something..

Haiz diary...i don't know what else to say..if i wanting to write everything here..it might take a life time..because..i think my life sux..and i complaint alots about it..but..i know..its time to be grown up..i need to stop blameing on the world..on my life..i just need to adjust a little..i want to change my life..my way of thinking..but i need some external help i guess..because until today..i dont have someone that i really can talk to..:(

Haizz..good night diary.. :(

Welcome

2004-10-13T16:13:00.000+08:00

Hello...Welcome to my blog... and.. Thank you for visiting, I hope to hear a comment and msges from all of you. Wish you have a wonderful day. :)